you are my sweetest downfall

i loved you first

i loved you first

beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth

i have to go i have to go

go to my new abode

http://thewriterwannbe.blogspot.com

for the delayed update

09-June-2007

I missed blogging.

We moved to a new house and the guys from globe broadband are taking so long just to set our internet connection. For the meantime, I’ll just type my thoughts and confessions in the notepad and post it in my beloved blog when we finally have our broadband.

I might not feel the same way by the time I post it but what the heck.

I previously posted that my first job is an epitome of tragedies. Everything worst that could happen actually happen. Terror boss. Heavy workload on your first week. Unfriendly officemates. All of these happened while you’re in the midst of feeling ignorant, excited, nervous and, most of all, disoriented.

I felt so stupid and useless. Very very deep shit.

I thought that no one could understand me. Well except from Jeaune. My job-hunt buddy who quit her job after one week. However, we have different cases. Somehow she had given me support and courage. Now we’re business partners. We’ll go into that in details later.

Because of stress I became sour and moody as ever. It was my way of coping up. Whenever I tell people how miserable I am I become angrier when they try to boost my confidence and morale. Now I realize that I actually want them to tell me that I should quit my job. In fact I could’ve done so if I really wanted too but I’m too chicken. I care what people will think about me. They’ll think that I’m too stupid to accept it in the first place. They’ll think that I’m too weak and couldn’t handle a simple job. They’ll think that I’m a choosy person. In my mind, they’ll think a thousand negative things about me.

As days passed, little by little I’m learning to accept things. Just what I told Czar when he asked how my job is, I told him “natatanggap ko na ang masaklap na kapalaran.” Yes, maybe I’m exaggerating things. I know that nothing is so bad that it can’t get worse. Haha. I’m so negative.

Okay, I’ll try to have a better outlook in life. Actually I’m trying it now and it is helping me a lot. These past few days, I’m beginning to enjoy my job and having a laugh with my officemates and my superior isn’t as scary as before.

But there’s one thing that wouldn’t change: my mindset regarding my job tenure. I’ll just stay in that company for one year. Just to gain enough experience and network for a bigger and better career with a new company or to start my own business. I hope this plan will be pursued. Sana talaga.

I miss rich, barbie & dayan. =(


07-July-2007

It’s been written. It’s been said.

I was mindin’ my own pathetic life, why do you have to come along to make it more pathetic?

@@@

Don’t make me hate this feeling.

@@@

I somehow failed the qualification, that’s why they decided that I should lie in between.

They are denying my freedom to be me. I chose to fuck the norms and as expected, not all people agreed.

@@@

I was so stupid when I was worrying about what will happen to us next. What I didn’t know is there’s no next. Hell, there’s even no US.

Hater, I am.

I have all the right to hate. If this is what I’m feeling then let it be.

Damn you. Damn me.

I’ll continue to hate till I can hate no more.

@@@
From a distant memory.

Laterdays!


30 June, 2007

I just finished watching the movie Love Actually. A feel good flick in a Christmas setting. Jeaune suggested that I should watch it. This movie shows a different level and kind of love. Books and movies are the things that Jeaune and I have something in common. We’re both happy-ending hater. That’s why she became my job-hunt buddy. Now, she’s working at a good company with a high salary. Me? olats. Heheh.

Back to the movie. (Sorry if my story has a very bad sequence. Just like what my Theology prof said, “You lack cohesion.” Whatever!) My favorite part of the movie is that of Keira Knightley’s where the best friend of her husband fell in love with her. It has a sad ending. That’s why I love it. It shows one of life’s realities, that love is not always mutual. Obviously I love mellow drama stories. I just simply love it. Movies that could make me cry. But I’m not bitter about something. Honestly.


***

I’m turning Japanese.

After the Korean invasion, I’m now addicted to everything made in Japan. I’m planning to learn their language. And I’m serious about my plan of saving up so I could go there. =) Kawai Su! (Rasyel, taught me that.)

***

You know the thing I want most to receive as a gift? It’s a big card (or perhaps any sheet of paper) where lots of people signed their greetings and wishes for me. I don’t care if I don’t actually know those people and even if their wishes are just for the sake of having something to write and they don’t really mean it. I don’t give a damn. I just want to receive a card like that to fool myself that a lot of people really care for me.

Pathetic, I know

***

Laterdays!

I'm friggin' confused. I don't know if I'm going to quit my job or not. I'm not happy anymore. I really don't know what to do. I have to consider many things.

Naiiyak na ako. I really want to talk to someone but it seems like nobody really understands me. I'm having a phobia na rin, I'm thinking na if I quit my first job, baka magkaganun din sa susunod kong magiging trabaho. Nakakatakot.

Nasubukan nyo na bang umiyak sa workstation nyo habang nagtratrabaho? I did. with no apparent reason. just extreme sadness. That's how pathetic I am.

I hope, eventually, I'll come back to my true path towards happiness and pursuit of success.


=( sad

serendipity

+++ This happened last March 7. Hindi ko na dapat ipopost 'to pero after reading "The Orange Girl", I changed my mind.

Here's my story.

Pumunta ako sa skul nung Wednesday para makipagkita sa kaibigan ko ng si Miraquel dahil nabubugnot na ako sa bahay. Ang sabi ko sa kanya ay 10 ng umaga ko sya susunduin sa dorm nya para maaga ko syang masamahan sa registrar's office. Pero dahil natural ang pagiging latecomer ko, past ten na ay hindi pa ako naliligo. Mga 11:30 na ako nakaalis sa bahay at habang nasa fx ako, pinapanalangin ko na sana ay 12 ako dumating ng school para makasalubong ko yung crush kong 3rd year (hindi naman siguro pedophilia na maituturing ang isang taong agwat) dahil yung yung oras ng uwian nila (hindi rin ako stalker, nagkataon lang na alam ko dahil parerho naman kami ng course).

Ang kaso quarter to twelve ako dumating sa school at ng mapadaan ako sa building namin ay hindi pa uwian ng mga 3rd year. Kaya tumuloy na ako papuntang dorm nila Mira at inisip ko nalang na siguro'y hindi ko lucky day ngayon.

Pagdating ko sa dorm, hinintay ko pang mag-ayos si Mira at ang sabi nya'y samahan ko daw muna sya sa office ng department head namin para magpasa ng resume dahil requirement daw ito para sa mga graduating students. Mga forty minutes after twelve na kami nakarating ng building kaya naisip ko na malamang ay nakauwi na si Crush.

Pero pagpasok namin ng main entrance ng building ay nakita ko kagad si Crush na palabas ng bldg. Buti nalang matangkad syang bata. Pagkagaling namin sa office ay nagpasama ako na magpaphotocopy ng resume ko. Pagkatapos ay naalala ko na icheck kung naprint na yung grad pic ko. Pagliko namin sa kanto ng Asturias, nakita ko nanaman sya dun na nakatambay at nagyoyosi at umiinom ng coke. Naisip ko tuloy na that's too much caffeine. cigar & cola. Ampayat payat pa naman nya.

Pagkakuha ko ng grad pic napadaan ulet kame sa kantong yun pabalik ng school. Andun pa rin sya't nakatambay.

Pumunta naman kami sa main library kasi may pinaparesearch yung pinsan ni Mira sa kanya pero pumunta pa kame sa library na nasa Medicine Bldg. kasi andun pala yung hinahanap nya. Mahigit isang oras din kame dun. Habang nagbrobrowse ng article si Mira, ikwinento ko sa kay Mira ang crush kong 3rd year at kung bakit sa tingin ko na "soulmate" kami. (Alam kong corny at nakakatawa pero sa tingin ko mamamangha ka rin sa dami ng coincidence na hindi ko na iisa isahing ikwento dito.)

After sa library ay pumunta na kame sa Registrar's na nasa Main Bldg. ng UST. Siguro mga 30 minutes din kami dun. Pagkatapos ay binalikan ko na yung pinaphotocopy ko kaya dumaan ulet kami sa may kanto ng Asturias na kung saan nakatambay pa rin si "soulmate" at fortunately ay hindi naman sya nagyoyosi ng mga oras na yun. However, pagdaan ulit namin dun pagkagaling ng photocopyhan ay wala na sya. Ayos lang. Ilang beses ko naman syang nakita at ang winish ko lang ay makasalubong ko sya ng isang beses.

Nagpaprint naman ako ng 2x2 picture at pinascan yung grad pic ko pagkagaling namin sa photocopyhan. Habang naghihintay ay sinabi ko kay Mira na nakita ko ulit si "soulmate." Sabi nya ba't di ko daw tinuro. Sabi ko naman, nakatingin sya sa akin kaya nakakahiya namang ituro ko sya. (Hindi ako nag-iilusyon. Hindi ako bulag at naka-contact lens pa ako nun kaya kaya hindi masasabing baka malabo lang yung mata ko. Muka ba akong defensive? =])

After nun ay niyaya kong pumunta sa bahay si Mira. Habang naglalakad kami papuntang Espanya gate, may nag-overtake sa amin na isang lalaki. Napansin ko na parang pamilyar sya. Sino? Mismo. Si 3rd year na "crush/soulmate."

Since nauna na syang maglakad, itinuro ko sya kay Mira. "Sya yun?" tanong nya. Tango naman ako. Meant to be talaga kami. Nagbiro pa nga ako ng,"Sa totoo lang, hinintay nga talaga akong umuwi. Kunwari lang na hindi kami magkakilala pero sabay talaga kaming umuwi."

Nauna na kaming sumakay ng jeep kasi pupunta pa kami ng LBC sa may Espanay para maghulog ng sulat. Sya naman ay naghintay pa ng masasakyan.

Hindi pa dyan nagtatapos. Nung naghihintay na kami ng fx para umuwi ng bahay, nakita ko sya ulit na nakasakay sa isang dumaang fx. Nagkatinginan pa nga kame. Pero hindi ako sure kung sya nga yun kasi hindi ko naman masyadong natitigan at hindi naman sya kumaway. Sa pagkakataong ito, papayag na akong sabihin na imagination ko lang yun dahil hindi ko naman sigurado.

Sumatutal, limang beses ko syang nakita ng hindi sinasadya. Excluding yung hindi ko siguragond incident sa fx. Don't get me wrong. Hindi ako obsess sa taong ito. Mas lalong hindi ako stalker. Sinisigurado kong puro unexpected ang mga insidenteng yun, kaya nga nasabi kong "serendipity" eh. Kaya nga sya naging pamilyar sa akin kasi ilang beses ko syang nakakasalubong sa iba't ibang lugar sa loob ng isang araw. Hindi ba't parang pelikula?

Dayan dares me na tanungin yung pangalan nya. Pero hindi ko nagawa kasi mas matindi yung pagiging mahiyain ko pagdating sa mga ganung bagay. Napagdesisyonan ko na wag nalang alamin yung pangalan nya kasi ayokong mawala yung pagkamisteryoso nya. Ayokong mawala yung thrill. Pero pagkabasa ko ng "The Orange Girl" nakita ko yung sarili ko kay Jan Olav. Alam ko yung feeling sa pag nasa mataong lugar ka ay on the look out ka para sa isang partikular na tao. Iniisip mo ang posibilidad na makita mo sya. Alam ko na maaring wala namang mabago kahit na malaman ko yung pangalan nya pero meron pa rin akong matinding desire na malaman ito. If I'll be given a chance na makita ko sya ulet, sana magkaroon ako ng lakas ng loob na ngitian man lang sya.

Salamat Dayan sa pagbibigay ng libro. salamat talaga.

laterday!

let's go back to the start

Heto ulet ako. Patay ako netong mga nakaraang araw gawa ng sobrang busy sa school. Nagkumpleto ako ng mga requirements para makagraduate. Dahil don nawalan nako ng oras, lakas at gana para sa ibang bagay.


So sisimulan ko na ang pagkwekwento.

***

Nakatengga nalang ako sa bahay ngayon at hinihintay dumating ang araw ng graduation. Naaalala ko pa nung last day ng final exams namen, nakaupo lang ako sa may likod ng room habang pinapanood ang mga classmates kong magpirmahan ng uniform nila at magpicturan.

Oo, nakakatuwa pero nakakaramdam din ako ng lungkot. Lungkot dahil mamimiss ko sila at lungkot dahil hindi pa ako handang magpaalam.

Habang pinapanood ko sila naisip ko rin na ba’t ganun parang readyng ready na sila. Naisip nilang magdala ng digicam, o siguraduhing maraming free space sa memory ng cellphone nila. May dala rin silang marker para pang pirma sa uniform nila. Samantalang ako, bukod sa hindi ko naisip na magdala ng digicam eh low batt pa yung phone ko. Sobrang hindi ako prepared. Ayoko pang grumaduate. Hindi ko pa lubusang naeenjoy ang college life ko.

Dati sa tuwing may mahirap na project o may nakakabwisit na prof, lagi kong sinasabi na, “Leche! Sana grumaduate nako ng matapos na ang paghihirap na’to.” Ngayon makukuha ko na ang kahilingan na ‘to, pero bakit ayaw kong tanggapin?


***

Dahil gragraduate na ako, lage kong sinasabi na dadagdag nako sa number of unemployed ng bansa. Pero titigilan ko na dahil natatakot akong ma-jinxed.

Nung mga nakaraang lingo ay nasubukan kong pumunta sa job interview or exam ng mga kilalang kumpanya.

Lagi nalang nilang sinasabi na, “Give me one week to analyze the result of your exam/interview. Just wait for our call.”

Ang sabi naman ni Jeaune, classmate ko na parati kong kasabay sa mga interview, “Ang ibig sabihin talaga nila ay “give me one week to forget you.”

Hindi pa nga rin sila tumatawag ulet. Mahigit isang linggo na ang nakalipas. Pero hindi pa rin ako nawawalan ng pag-asa.


***

Related sa usapang paghahanap ng trabaho, nadidismaya nako sa mga kaklase’t kaibigan na lagging may pantapat na violent reaction pag sinabi mo kung saan ka nag-aaply.

Halimbawa sasabihin mo na may interview ka sa ganyang kumpanya (pasensya na’t ayokong magbanggit ng company name), may magcocomment na, “sabi nila nagtatanggalan daw ng mga empleyado dun kaya wag ka ng mag-aapply dun.” Binirahan ko nalang ng ganito, “E ba’t hiring pa sila ngayon? Hindi ba’t magiging additional cost lang nila yun kung naglalay-off pala sila ng employees tapos nagsasagawa pa sila ng hiring process?”

Meron pang isa. Nung may job exam naman akong pupuntahan sa may Makati, may sumabat nanaman ng, “Pangit daw dun. Hindi daw maganda yung compensation at benefits na binibigay sa mga empleyado.”

Ayun nanaman. Kung napapansin nyo lagi naming may kasamang “DAW” yung mga sinasabi nila. Ibig sabihin hindi naman nila sigurado at narinig lang nila sa iba. Tsk. Tsk. Ang sino mang maniwala sa sabi sabi, ay walang bait sa sarili.

Uhm, tama ba?

Basta naniniwala ako na you have to find out for yourself. If you’ll never try then you’ll never know.

Hindi ko maisip kung baket dun sila nagfofocus sa mga negative na bagay. Sana lang ay wag silang magsisi, mamaya sa kakapila nila ng perpektong kumpanya (na sa tingin ko naman ay hindi naman nag-eexist) eh mas lalo pa silang mapunta sa kawalan.


***

Beggar

Simula ng pinanganak si bottledhiccups, ginagawa ko na ‘to tuwing birthday ko. Naging tradisyon ko na ‘to kahit na 2 years ko palang nagagawa at kahit na hindi naman natutupad lahat.

Eto ang aking this year’s birthday wishlist:



1)
a pair of small turtles
2)
the orange girl – jostein gaardner
3)
before sunset & before sunrise (dvd or vcd)
4)
for one more day – mitch albom
5)
amelie (dvd or vcd and must have an English subtitle)
6)
the ballad of jack and rose
7)
veronica decides to die [Japanese movie] (dvd or vcd and must have an English subtitle)
8)
homerun [Singaporean movie] (dvd or vcd and must have an English subtitle)
9)
startled by his furry shorts – louise rennison
10)
laptop
11)
digicam
12) UST jacket
13)
Brida – paulo Coelho
14) Mp3 collection of coldplay songs
15)
The witch of Portobello – Paulo Coelho

***

Thanks Ate yow, for sharing this song.

"I’ve been watching but the stars refuse to shine

I’ve been searching but I just don’t see the signs

I know that it’s out there

There’s got to be something for my soul somewhere"

All I want to do is find a way back into love

laterdays!

It is quite nippy noodles.

What the schmuck am I talking about?! Who's familiar with Confessions by Georgia Nicholson? I got nippy noodles from that book series and it means cold. Don't ask me what's the sense behind it because most of the things going on Georgia's mind are senseless. Nevertheless, that book is such a laugh. On the plus side, I'm learning some British expressions and their culture from that book. So don't be surprise if I start using unfamiliar English phrase.

If you want to laugh like a loon on loon tablet then grab a copy of one of these books written by Louise Rennison.



***



I'm a bit worried because it seems like I haven't learned anything all through my college years. I'm blaming my professors for that because I'm a selfish brat who wouldn't admit her fault. Anyway, if they exerted their full effort on planting useful facts on my brain then I might be kissing them due to my extreme gladness. But then again, I probably won't.

Don't think of me as an ungrateful kid because believe me, I'm not. If I have to prove that by thaking all my mentors since kindergarten, I will. However, I forgot most names, except for the alias that students gave them but I guess that wouldn't count.

Oh I want to thank these two people for teaching me things: To Ma'am Erika for making me feel that I can truly write and that my works are not crap. Another is to Ma'am Andrade (I hope to heaven that I recall your surname right) for teaching me to ask my questions directly to people from whom I want to gen an answer. It is unwise to use messengers when you can say it yourself.

Since I learned nothing else, I need to rely on this so-called self-study. I hope I could teach myself well.

(If ever I remember other things that I learned from school, I'll acknowledge whosever fault is it.)



***



Brrrr. It is truly such a nippy noodles.

I'm away laughing on a fast camel!

Translation: laterdays!

What's your favorite Coelho quote?

[11 Minutes]


"She was just like everyone else, she endured her loneliness in silence, tried to justify everything she did, pretended to be strong when she was feeling weak or weak when she was feeling strong. She had renounced love and taken up a dangerous profession, but now, as that work was coming to an end, she had plans for the future and regrets the past."


"We live in a vale of tears. We can have all the dreams we like, but life is hard, implacable, sad."


"Life moves very fast. It rushes us from heaven to hell in a matter of seconds."

"Does a soldier go to war in order to kill the enemy? No, he goes in order to die for his country.
Does a wife want to show her husband how happy she is? No, she wants him to see how devoted she is, how she suffers in order to make him happy.
Does the husband go to work thinking he will find personal fulfillment there? No, he is giving his sweat and tears for the good of the family.
And so it goes on: sons give up their dreams to please their parents, parents gives up their lives in order to please their children; pain and suffering are used to justify the one thing that should only bring joy: LOVE."



[By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept]


"May my tears run just as far, that my love might never know that one day I cried for him."


[Veronika Decides to Die]


"If God exists, and I truly don't believe he does, he will know that there are limits to human understanding. He was the one who created confusion in which there is poverty, injustice, greed and loneliness. He doubtless had the best of intentions, but the results have proved disastrous; if God exists, he will be generous with those creatures who chose to leave this Earth early, and he might even apologize for having made us spent time here."

"Since people always tend to help others -- just so they can feel they are better that they really are."

"People just can't cope with happiness."


***

You can write your own favorite Coelho quote or you can pick among the quotes enumerated above. Bumabawi ako sa pagpopost since I've been dead for the month of November. I've been very busy with my studies and my new business.

December na pero bakit ang init pa rin?


laterdays!